Steve felt a small smile creep up on his features. He would definitely
try to keep his word, to try to keep himself from slipping away in the middle of the night. Of course, he couldn't make any promises and there was always a slight chance his small body would send him a huge middle finger and give up when he finally allowed himself to relax, but he wasn't going to give up. He'd never give up, for Bucky. "Right, okay. I'll see what I can do. I don't want to leave you on your own now,
" he whispered, almost afraid to make his voice louder and wanting to prevent any more coughing spells. He didn't need one of those. He heard Bucky mutter a quick agreement with what he was saying and Steve's eyes went a little wide. Did he know what he was saying? Did he truly understand what he'd said? No way. There was no way that Bucky would even begin to understand how much Steve loved him and the more Steve thought about it, the more certain he became that Bucky would never love him back like that. Bucky had always had a way with women, they all wanted him and he seemed to want them. Why would he want Steve? His smile slowly faded and he let his eyes fall closed, taking his lower lip in his teeth. Part of him really wished that Bucky would love him, too, but the other part was more focused on Bucky being happy and that was all that Steve wanted. If anyone deserved happiness, it was Bucky. When he opened his eyes again, his eyes focused on the wall across from him, taking it in and just counting the cracks. There was no way he'd be able to sleep now. He had way too much running through his mind for that. He'd just let himself enjoy the feeling of Bucky's arms around him, keeping the chill away and stopping him from surely freezing, but, also from being alone. When he was younger, he would have fought this, he would have hollered at Bucky and told him that he could take care of himself. And, Steve really thought he could, but he wanted to be selfish for a little while and being in Bucky's arms surely was just that.
Steve let out a soft sigh because he knew that Bucky wasn't okay. He seemed like he was okay now, but as soon as he was up or moving around, Steve could see the pain that he was in. Just like Bucky could tell when Steve was trying to hide things, Steve could tell as well. It was one of the talents he'd gained after being friends with Bucky his entire life. "I can't help it. 'm not tired," he said, letting out a breath that was shortly followed by a short coughing spell, and gripping onto Bucky's pants pocket a little tighter. For some reason, he felt more comfortable having a grip on the other man, even if it wasn't a strong one. "'m worried about you." And he was, but if Bucky wanted him to stop talking so that he could get some rest, he would try to do just that, even though Steve had never really been all that good at being quiet. He coughed a few times and let his eyes fall shut, trying to get his mind to relax, but it didn't work. Nothing really worked the way it was supposed to. In his mind, he was still healthy and strong and could run and jump, but his body wasn't able to do that anymore. Not until whatever was going on was over, if it ever really ended. That was scary for Steve because, even though Bucky seemed to think there were cures out there for his problems, he was certain he'd never be able to see colors again, never be able to go for a morning run, never be able to do anything like he used to. No one would need him, then, not even Bucky. He tightened up the grip on Bucky's pants and bit down harder on his bottom lip, holding back everything that was going through his mind. He'd be okay, he just had to keep telling himself that. He'd be okay.
Steve hadn't realized when he'd fallen asleep, but the minute he was on his feet, he knew he was in a dream. He wasn't in the room anymore, but somewhere else. He took a step and looked down, he was wearing boots. It was snowing. Fuck, he thought to himself. He took a few steps forward and there, sitting on a rock with his back turned towards him were two people. A man and a woman. Steve slowly made his way over to it when, first, the woman turned around. It was Peggy. She was looking at him like he'd done something terrible, like she actually hated him. "It's all your fault," she said before turning again and standing on the rock. Next, the man stood up, at first, Steve didn't recognize him with shorter hair, but once his eyes adjusted, he knew it was Bucky. "You're the reason I was captured and tortured. It's all your fault." Steve felt tears start to build up in his eyes as he shook his head, quickly. "I'm so sorry, I tried, I just couldn't," he said, moving his gaze between the two of them before Bucky joined Peggy up on the rock. Steve watched as they looked at one another and turned their backs on him, walking to the edge and, without another word, both of them jumped. "No," he screamed, his voice echoing as he tried to lurch himself forward, to grab onto them, to stop this, but it was too late. "No!" This time, though, Steve wasn't just saying that in a dream. He was shaking, sweating terribly, and his breath was so quick it felt like his lungs were going to collapse right then and there. "No, no, no," he repeated before he finally opened his eyes and took in his surroundings, his body completely drenched in sweat and his breathing all over the place. He hadn't noticed the tears staining his cheeks, either, or the fact that his entire body felt like it was on fire. All he could think about was that dream and how it really was all his fault.